You know, I was actually a little excited for this movie. I really was. Did I think it was gonna win oscars? Hell no. Did I think it was going to be a box office wonder? Not really. Did I think it would at least entertain me in some way shape or form for two hours? Yeah, sure. I literally have this sinking feeling in my stomach right now because I actually threw money at this movie. I didn’t even throw money, I used a movie pass I got for the holidays; and I STILL feel like I wasted money.
From the very first scene of this movie I knew what I was getting myself into. Actors Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan engage in their first conversation which seems WAY too rushed to be happening already. Yes, I read the book and I know these characters (YEAH, I READ THE BOOK BACK IN 2012 I HAD TO KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS WAS ABOUT). But I have to look at this from an objective point of view and from said point of view, I know literally jack about these characters. Then to watch their chemistry for this entire scene made me feel like Alex in A Clockwork Orange (1971) when he was forced to watch all the acts of violence on the silver screen. Now imagine that feeling when these two converse EVERY SCENE in this movie for the next hour and fifty minutes (any phrase with the word ‘fifty’ in it is making me cringe).
I don’t even know what to talk about next with this review/rant. Like do I talk about the casting choice in general? Do I mention the constant lack of continuity in scene/shot transitions? Do I mention how they took Ellie Goulding’s single that I think is a work of art and changed the words in it for the movie? Or do I mention how the movie was two hours long and it felt like three and a half? Not to mention the fact that throughout the entire movie I was laughing my ass off and this wasn’t a comedy.
Right from the get-go, you know that these two people should not be together at all. They want two completely different things and yet the both of them just keep on trucking trying to get the other person to change. One minute they love the change and the next they horribly act their way through some excuse for an argument. Like what the actual Hell?
I understand there are people out there into the whole S&M scene, BELIEVE ME. I get that, people have their kinks; but when a dude starts showing up at your work, at a bar you’re at, in your home, all the way in Georgia where you’re visiting your mom, THAT should be a red flag for anyone. ‘Controlling’ my ass, you’re a stalker. Go away. However it is the S&M factor that sold copies of the books and what’s going to sell movie tickets. It’s a taboo subject, people are curious about stuff like that, it’s human nature. Only problem is it tries to be pornography that is “socially acceptable” to watch, but it was made into a high budget Hollywood film. Well, welcome to the big leagues; if you don’t wanna be judged like any other feature, go release your movie on Cinemax. The difference between this and pornography is porn knows what it is. This movie just tried to be so much more and it simply was not.
Again, I cannot get over just how BAD the on screen chemistry was between these people. There was literally one scene – ONE, SCENE – where I was like, “Holy shit are they actually acting for this scene? This is new.” But then with one TERRIBLE line and its delivery, all thirty seconds of mediocre-at-best effort went down the tube along with my soul it seemed like. You know I’ve always given Hollywood the benefit of the doubt and thought to myself that there are still plenty of competent people working that studio system and we may be in a rough patch at the moment with this move from film to digital but writing will always remain. Yeah, after this I think Hollywood is dead. Exaggerating, obviously, but it might as well be when lines of dialogue like, “I’m fifty shades of f***ed up,” or, “I don’t make love, I f**k,” make it past so many different people reviewing this script. Like seriously, NOBODY in Hollywood threw a flag on the play and said, “Yeah I think we need a revision.”?
Aside from the horrible acting that these two graced the screen with, I thought MAYBE the story would carry me the rest of the movie. NOPE, there is literally no plot to this movie. Like I think the only reason I knew slightly what was going on is because I read the book; but even that was like three years ago. I don’t even remember what I had for lunch two days ago (Just kidding I had a lobster in Costa Rica chased with a Corona).
I can say with full confidence that I could grab my friends who are film majors with me at school and if someone told us the main plot of this film, we could make a better final picture. I have drama majors for friends here who act better than these people. I have wannabe screenwriters who have written more captivating stuff during work exercises. Hell, I’ve never filmed a sex scene but I’m sure I can make it more tasteful and actually important to the story than this excuse for soft-core porn did.
Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) is certainly one for the ages. It has definitely inspired me to keep working as hard as I do in film so that maybe some day the world won’t have to be subjected to crap like this. I mean my God, have some decency, Hollywood; I think we all deserve an apology as well. The only thing that gave this movie and shred of satisfaction was Beyoncé’s remix of ‘Crazy in Love’.
Overall Rating: 1/10 – Fifty Shades of Torture to sit through for two hours
Don’t spend money on this, if you have any pride. I used a movie pass and I still feel dirty about it. This movie is offensive to both men and women and delivers one of the worst messages I have ever seen in the history of film. D.W. Griffith is rolling over in his grave right now and I’m sure Edwin S. Porter is following suit as well.
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