I woke up this morning and took a moment to reflect on the year of 2014 and took a hot minute to remember the goals I set for myself this year. The goals ranged anywhere from the basic ‘stop caring so much and overthinking’ to the more complicated ‘stop trying so damn hard to find the one, she’ll find you’. A lot of things that happened this year I wanted to and a lot of things happened this year that I didn’t want to. Did I accomplish goals? Yes and no. Did I have self realizations and what alcoholics refer to as moments of clarity? Of Course.
If you recall my ode to 2013 last year I basically said I hated that year. It was full of complications, shitty classes, worse people, and my least favorite part of 2013 was I had forgotten who I was and what I wanted in life. When the clock struck 12:00 last year and I rung in the new year, I told myself I would stop putting everyone’s interests before myself and put my own needs first in 2014. Did I do that? You bet your ass I did.
2014 hit the ground running with my trip to Israel which changed my life in many MANY ways. I’ve never been one to believe in a divine creature up there watching my every move as if life is an application for salvation beyond the grave, it’s just not my style. But when I went to the Old City of Jerusalem and saw the Western Wall, I couldn’t help but feel this presence with me. To this day I cannot explain it and I don’t think I ever will. Do I think it was God? Not really. I really just felt like it was myself and a reassurance that through all the good, bad, ugly, and more, that things will always work out in the end.
As the year progressed I found that I was smiling a lot more than 2013 and I was happy with where my life was. I had one mishap with a woman and it turned into a train wreck. Then old feelings with a good friend at school resurfaced and my mind did that thing where it tries to tell you what you want and you can’t listen to it. was at that point that I swore off this one girl and women and relationships for the rest of the year essentially. It’s a funny feeling when you wake up one morning and the way you felt about someone who you were CONVINCED was ‘the one’ and you held on a pedestal for so long is just… Gone. I like being single. I like being alone, and only worrying about myself. Am I still looking to land ‘the one’? Well, yeah, who isn’t. I just knew she wasn’t coming this year so why not have some fun and take a load off my shoulders? I met a few girls here and there, some in particular with outstanding personalities and breathtaking beauty; but if the time isn’t right for me I’m not gonna force it. Again, just not my style. Single is cool to me; single is easy; single is fun.
I also got the opportunity to work on a a film for my advanced film production course. I was the Assistant Camera and while I was reluctant to take the job, I was quickly proven wrong. It was one of the funnest positions and one of the best shoots of my life; and the film even won first runner up at the Hofstra Film Festival. An accomplishment I’m proud to say I’m a part of. I even used the knowledge I learned and applied it to my own film shoot this past semester for my directing course. It’s funny with film – the more experience you get, the better you are. I guess practice makes perfect and perfect is awesome.
2014 wasn’t 100% perfect, no year is; and this year made me realize it. I made a few ‘enemies’ this year at school both in classes and out of classes. I’m not dumb, I know not everyone I’m gonna meet is gonna be my best friend. I’d like to think that everyone likes me but that’s just not the case and 2014 taught me that. I’ve never been one to really CARE what people think of me regardless of if they’re my friend or not. I do what I want and want to do what I do. Aside from that, this year taught me that with all the goods, there are bound to be downs. There’s never going to be a year of total happiness. We’re human beings, we can’t just turn off all our feelings. Summer for me was both the best and worst time of my life. I had to make a lot of hard goodbyes to friends and even family; and I finally shut the door on my career at Camp Bauercrest – a place I have called my home since I was eight years old. It may seem silly to you, but to me Bauercrest is everything. It’s love, and it’s life. If you go to summer camp, you see where I’m coming from, and if you don’t; just try to imagine how it felt graduating high school, except there was no college to be excited for once you were done. Saying goodbye was tougher than anything this summer between my friends and family. I was so proud to watch my campers who I had when they were 12 finally grow up into the young men they are today. My brother got a job offer in California and packed his bags. While I’m happy as hell for the guy, it took this blog post to realize just how lonely it is on the East Coast without him. And in June my family had to say one of the biggest and hardest goodbyes we’ll ever have to endure; but because of this, I think anyone watching over us really saw the Peraners at their best.
We fast forward to this past fall. The past three months have been some of the best times of my life. I got closer with a lot of old friends I lost touch with for a little while last year and was presented with a lot of great opportunities. If you’re reading this, you know who you are, and I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me this semester. Between the countless film shoots I went on both student and professional, to partying in NYC’s hottest nightclub on a Friday night, to just hanging out at an off-campus house and laughing about things I can’t remember to this day and don’t care because they were in the moment; and it’s not we who seize the moment… It’s the moment that seizes us.
So as I go into 2015, I have decided that this is the year where I’m done setting up these ‘resolutions’. We make them and when the slightest thing doesn’t go according to the plan, we flip out and have some sort of mental breakdown. I’m just going to do 2015 at the top of my head. I’m going into this new year with a clear conscious and zero expectations. That way the only way I can go is up. 2015 is going to bring me happiness. It’s going to bring me sadness too at times; but that’s life and you gotta just… go with it. So I guess that’s the motto for 2015: Just go with it. But that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna shut out this past year and pretend it didn’t happen.
2014… That was the year I went across the world… The year I turned 21… The year I worked on an award winning film… The year I said goodbye to my second home… The year I said goodbye to my best friend… The year I made something I’m proud to call mine… The year a professional called me professional… The year I let go of ‘the one’… And dammit if it wasn’t the best year of my life.
Peace out, 2014, it’s been real.